High Expectations and Mindful Living
How high are your
expectations?
Do you have high expectations, either of yourself or of other people?
How often do you fall short of your own expectations?
How often do you find yourself frustrated with someone else for not meeting your expectations?
We’ve all been there. We set out ready to enjoy an experience, say a date, an outing, a piece of cake, only to find ourselves disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, or sometimes even upset or angry. We walk into the situation with expectations of the outcome.
We do it every day. It’s human nature.
Expectations can be though of as beliefs about future events that you think are most likely to happen. This belief may or may not be realistic.
When an expectation is not met it is likely to result in disappointment, frustration, anger
—> In Buddhism (and in life, really) this is called suffering.
There are different types of expectations:
expectations of self
expectations you have of others
expectations others have of you
Expectations can be big and life changing, or one of the many small expectations we have every day.
For example, you may have experienced any one of the following expectations over the course of your life.
Expectations about your partner or marriage
Expectations about your job, or performance on the job
Expectations about the taste of a meal
A response to a text message
The weather
How your life will go
What your children will do at any point in time
How you will feel after doing XYZ
What kind of birth you will have
How a night out will be
In Buddhism it is believed that becoming attached to expectations can create unnecessary suffering. It is fine to have hopes, dreams, and goals, but it is an entirely different thing when these actions become fixed expectations.
The truth is, we cannot predict the future and expectations place an unnecessary burden on our experience of the present.
When we focus on one expectation, we narrow our options and become blind to the array of possibilities in front of us.
We hold tight to one future scenario and are not free to experience or enjoy what is unfolding in the present moment.
The more invested we are in a particular expectation, the more we resist reality.
—> that is, the present moment.
So we miss the beauty and perfection in the moments unfolding before us, because we are spending much of this time imagining a future scenario that may or may not come about.
The same is true for expectations others place on us, except in reverse. Someone may have a future scenario in their mind that involves you. They may become invested in this outcome and disappointed when you don’t fulfil their expected reality.
This is where honesty and boundary setting are the kindest ways to manage the expectations of others. It is worth sitting down and having very clear and authentic conversations at the very beginning of an endeavour setting out what you are able and interested in doing, and making sure that aligns with the other person’s concepts.
Does managing your own expectation mean that you can’t have goals?
No, that doesn’t have to be the case. You can have goals, without becoming invested in expectations around that goal. So, you can have a goal, and be open to all possibilities surrounding that goal.
In fact, goals can be a great way of setting yourself up for success.
Goals provide structure and give a sense of hope.
Goals are flexible and and can be adapted during change.
On the other hand, expectations are rigid and narrow in focus, with only one possible outcome and often only one possible way of getting there. Can you see the difference?
How can you become aware when expectations are causing you suffering?
One way is to practice mindfulness. Dropping into mindful moments throughout the day can help you to notice whether you are getting stuck in an expectation, either of yourself, others, or even others of you.
Another great tool is to have a mindfulness meditation practice. In meditation, you can start to pay attention to the running dialogue in your mind and tap into conversations built around expectations.
You can also dip into curiosity. If you find yourself caught up in expectations, allow yourself to get curious. Ask yourself, ‘what if this happens or doesn’t happen?’. See if you can explore other possible outcomes to your plan, and be open to those options actually occurring.
Do you spend a lot of your time focussing on future expectations rather than the present moment? Have you found yourself suffering because you expected something that didn’t work out the way you thought it would? Tell us more in the comments below.